Early embryonic demise. This phrase has been circling my mind for three days now.

Monday. October 1, 2018. We went for a scheduled ultrasound to check baby’s cardiac activity since the last one stated that the heartbeat was still weak, normal for a 6-week old fetus.

When the sonologist was doing the ultrasound, I was looking at the monitor and wondered why I cannot see the heartbeat whenever the probe was targeting baby. I also wondered when she was measuring the heart rate, the line was just flat. But I also said to myself, “Well, probably it’s normal.”

Then after the ultrasound, the sonologist said, “When is your next visit to your OB?” I told her that we were just waiting for my blood works after the ultrasound. Then she continued, “Sorry, but I cannot see a heartbeat.”

“Sorry, but I cannot see a heartbeat.” That was the slowest scene of my life. And I was like, “2 weeks ago, the baby has a heartbeat.”

She continued explaining her findings and told me to go to my OB for further instructions. We were told to wait outside for the result.

At the waiting area, I wanted to cry but I held my tears because I did not want to cry in public. I was comforting Dann to hide my emotions.

When the assistant handed me the result, I opened it and looked for the remarks. “Early embryonic demise at 7 weeks 1 day.” I told Dann, “Demise na nakalagay.”

So I texted my OB and was told to go to her that day. So we scheduled a Grab going to St. Luke’s BGC.

I was trying to be strong as I did not want to cry. Not yet. Not yet.

OB consultation

My OB asked questions and I answered. After the exchange of Q&As, she told me that the baby still grew for a week after my last ultrasound.

She also explained it was congenital and nothing I did has led to what happened. Inunahan na niya ‘ko. She said, “Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. I know that’s the common feeling but it’s not like that. Hindi talaga maganda ang pagkakabuo. It’s congenital. It’s really not a viable pregnancy. How old are you? (I answered). You’re still young.”

Then she laid down the plan of our next steps.

Inside my head

I know that my OB told me to not blame myself. But there are times that I was thinking, maybe it’s because of this and that. But then, I will tell myself that Dra said it’s not my fault.

Few weeks ago, miscarriage has been running through my head. But I will brush it off by telling myself that it is unlikely since I already had two successful pregnancies. It was like a premonition.

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I wanted to file it immediately so that whatever happens, I can avail the SSS benefit. My friend who experienced a miscarriage suddenly popped up on my mind. Probably it was the way of preparing myself for this.

There are a lot of questions. Why me? Why us? Why is it that I became pregnant then the baby died. Is it really not my fault? Probably the baby said I already had too much because I cannot eat properly. Or I became too emotional. When I was so down, I got pregnant. But then, this pregnancy will also be the reason for another episode.

With the timeline, I cannot help but think that she probably lost her heartbeat when I was too emotionally stressed. The time when the sharp pains started.

I am grieving. I am hurting so much. Probably because we are already expecting her, and yes we think she is a girl. We are already preparing for her arrival. Ganito pala ang mamatayan ng anak. I did not know that this tiny unborn human being will have this effect on me.

I am crying a lot. Most of the time, I just stare at nowhere. I am lost. It was sudden. I am not prepared for this. I never thought that miscarriage will cross our path.

For two days, me and my husband have been going around, buying some stuff, checking some stuff. Our way of destressing. Our way of diverting our emotions and thoughts. We are hurting. We will never forget her.

I am affected every time I see babies. My immediate thoughts would be “Hindi ko na makikita si baby.” I am affected every time I see baby stuff. I don’t know how long will I be like this. But I still have two more kids to look after. My world should not stop. I need to keep going. But there are times that I cannot stay strong.

I remember, the morning of October 1, I told my husband that I will be 10 weeks the next day. It means that I have 2 more weeks and my first trimester will be over and I was really excited for my nausea and vomiting to be over. Little did I know that those signs of pregnancy will be gone because baby is gone.

But maybe God needs more angels up there. We now have an additional guardian angel. Baby, please guide us, especially your ate and kuya, who are so kulit and accident-prone. We love you so much. We will never forget you. You will always be in our hearts. Till we see each other up there. Spread your wings and make Jesus happy.